I saw children on their way to our old school this morning and found it incredibly hard. Are we doing the right thing? Are the boys missing out? Is this really happening? It was easy to finish off last year HE. It's much harder to start a new year HE and I wasn't expecting that. I miss seeing other mums and catching up on summer holiday adventures over coffee.
I asked the boys how they felt. "Fine, Mummy" was the reply with a pair of shrugs - they tell me they are not bothered about going into a new class or meeting a new teacher. They're just excited to be in a new year and W desperately wants to know if he's now tall enough to go without a car seat ("Keep eating your vegetables darling..")
On the way to their art lesson K said he feels his luck has changed. "How so?" I ask. In his typical chatty fashion he gives me a long winded reply but the gist is this : He always felt unlucky - like he'd never be picked or never get the things he wanted. Lately though he feels lucky; he said he hopes for the best and quite often it happens.
I could cry for fear and indecision; holding the weight of the responsibility for the two most precious things in my life. I know why we're doing this. I know to trust my instinct. I know I can do it.
But there's no external measure for success. Whether it was the right thing or not will never be proven; you'll never know what might have happened if you'd done things differently.
That's the scary thing. We can only look at where we are now, what we have now, who we are now and base our decisions on that.
I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself. Small wins are still wins.
And today, we feel lucky.
