I am full of the joys of EHE but it's not all rosy so in the interests of fair reporting I thought I'd emotionally dump a few of the insecurities, tears and stresses that creep up, especially in the wee small hours. EHE is as tough as it is rewarding.
- I am exhausted. Other than toilet breaks I'm on duty for 12 hours+ per day. I juggle school, home, work and feel like I'm never quite on top of any of them. It's a marathon.. but at a sprinting pace. Except unlike a marathon, you never run very far from the fridge/biscuit tin/wine rack so health benefits are not forthcoming.
- I spent £70 on a subscription to a curriculum planner because in a moment of total melt down at 2am I was overwhelmed by the idea of planning the new science curriculum.
- I fantasise about rejecting modern life and adopting a nomadic lifestyle with nothing but our family, the sun on our faces and our wits (HA! Doomed). Being at home all the time really brings into focus the waste and consumption of modern life and I'm not comfortable with it. Small changes are all we can commit too. I can't find a cave with windows that fit my Laura Ashley curtains.
- As the boys grow I've lost my comparisons. In a classroom you've got a 30-strong team of kids applying a check-and-measure approach to development. Without that classroom environment and playground catch ups it's down to us to assess ourselves as normal or otherwise on everything from what films to watch, language, games time, going out alone, hormones, pocket money, etc etc.
- It never stops. Never. Never ever ever. There is always someone eating, drinking, playing, moving or in some other way making NOISE and MESS in the house. I love a bit of happy chaos but when you're the one running around trying to muster the illusion of control, it is like being in a pinball machine. Except no one gives you any points. Once, the online shopping was delivered by a who man cheerfully asked "are you moving in or moving out?" "Neither" I muttered as I cried into my coffee and switched to a less judgemental supermarket.
In calmer moments I reflect that they were all issues we had before we took the boys out of school. They're just bigger now than when the kids were out for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. I'm prone to over-doing things, taking on too much and overshooting the sweet spot where it would have been good enough.
Objective this week is to be a bit kinder to myself. When in doubt, make a cup of tea and keep repeating: everything's fine. Because it is.
PS I don't have marshmallows in my tea, that's hot chocolate. I'm being extra kind to myself.
