This is a sensitive subject because social skills aren't easily measured or assessed. There are underlying individual factors - character, genes and disposition. It's easy for people to say: "they won't develop the social skills they need" without defining the skills to which they're referring.
It's frighteningly easy to feel defensive.
To decide whether we're enhancing or diminishing the boys' social skill set there are a few considerations before we begin:
1. What are social skills?
2. How do you measure social skills?
3. Do my boys' social skills need attention?
There are lots of lengthy definitions for social skills but I like the succinct one from Psychology Today :
[Social skills are] the abilities necessary to get along with others and to create and maintain satisfying relationships. Social skills are about being able to flexibly adjust our behavior to fit a particular situation and our personal needs and desires.
A fine starting point, but good luck measuring it.
I accept the challenge and head to point 2 : how do we measure social skills?
A key aspect of HE is the lack of competition and comparison because the focus is on the individual child but to be able to assess anything, even something as fluffy as social skills, you have to have a yardstick.
So who or what are we assessing the boys' social skills against? Is there a model human being out there hailed as the pinnacle of socialisation to whom we must all aspire? Of course not. The biggest underlying factor by a mile is individual personality. We're not all wall flowers. We're not all the life and soul of the party.
Human diversity is layered over a simple common core. Emotions are universal; Darwin identified 6 : surprise, fear, anger, happiness, disgust, sadness. In the context of social skills what's important is how we handle those emotions, whether we can identify them in others and how we respond when they're expressed by the people around us.
Rather than looking at how an individual impacts others, which can only be observed and inferred, it makes more sense to assess social skills by looking at how an individual feels about their own interactions. In short, a person with good social skills will usually feel comfortable and capable in social situations, even if those situations are diverse, difficult or new. A person with weaker social skills may feel anxious, be unsure of how to respond and/or avoid new situations.
It gives a loose framework to assess the children by they way they speak to others, their acts of consideration, their willingness to go to new places and meet new people.
When it comes to point 3, it's getting personal.
The boys were the same people before we took the home schooling decision however their social skills weren't judged directly because we were conforming within a well established system. Any and all personality traits were chalked up to who they are, their disposition.
Now we've left the system it's acceptable to assess the boys for social awkwardness against the backdrop of HE as a cause rather than an effect. Ouch.
I could write a book about K&W, assessing how much of their character is nature Vs nurture, why they behave as they do, which traits come from family members, experiences, failings or big high-five parenting moments or decisions, what we'd change - if anything, how they socialised at school. It would take so long that the boys would have left home before I'd finished, rendering the whole exercise pointless.
Here's the crux : my boys are not the most naturally social creatures. Like their parents they love being at home and love being with family. They prefer to have a few close friends than to be in a big group. In this respect, they are no different now to when they were in mainstream school.
There have been changes though since de-schooling and we, and our closest friends and family, have seen the boys' confidence grow. They don't feel invisible; they are asserting themselves, being more independent and interacting more confidently with children and adults.
So in answer to point 3, yes the boys' social skills need work - just like every single child and adult on the planet. We aren't teaching social skills so that K&W succeed at school. We're teaching social skills so they succeed at life.
So in answer to point 3, yes the boys' social skills need work - just like every single child and adult on the planet. We aren't teaching social skills so that K&W succeed at school. We're teaching social skills so they succeed at life.
PS. Everyone's definition of success is different. Explore your own definition here : https://www.ted.com/playlists/152/what_is_success
I'm not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it. ~ Erica Cook ~
Background reading:
For a fantastic discussion of social skills in schools:
http://www.nasponline.org/resources/factsheets/socialskills_fs.aspx
The US Stop & Think project
http://projectachieve.info/stop-think/stop-and-think.html
Darwin's 6 emotional states & assessing them across cultures
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/18/facial-expression-culture-_n_1434175.html
